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"Careful, you don't want them to get used to the taste of flesh."

Lastatempaj enskriboj · Arĥivo · Geamikoj · Uzantinformoj

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Fourth Summer of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is OOUTTTT. 

"Forever in Blue."

suck it.

Tags:

Current Location:
computer
Nuna muziko:
rachel singing to me
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I think I might post when I have pictures. I'm saving Australia stories for when I see people, because I really am in no mood to write them here. Excited for school, but also terrifically, terrifically nervous. I think I need a pocket thesaurus so that way I can stop using the word "ridiculous". That pretty much is all I have to say. Oh yeah, and JOANNA NEWSOM NEKO CASE MARTHA WAINWRIGHT CONCERT!!!!!oneoneeleventyone!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!!
Current Location:
about to leave the house
Nuna humoro:
apathetic meh
Nuna muziko:
Calendar Girl-Stars
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I am leaving tomorrow, and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to see most of you, but working at the store to pay off this trip has been a BITCH, as I've been working ten-hour days in that furnace that is known to outsiders as a laundromat. And yesterday, I had to do it in the dark. That's some shit. At any rate, I hope that maybe we could all do something before school starts, because I miss everyone, really and truly. I will miss you all terribly. Amanda and brosef (joseph joseph joseph) i'm sorry about the kittens. as you can see from above, things have been ridiculous lately and i haven't been able to do nearly ALL of the things I wanted to do with everyone. I hope you and your kittens don't hate me for that. I love them terribly and it breaks my heart that i didn't get to meet them, ever. I'm coming back on August 11th, at 6:00 p.m. I hope I can see you all later.
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I'm leaving for Australia in a week. I just can't believe how fast this trip has arrived and I'm nowhere near ready for it at all. I'm a mixture of excited and anxious, mostly because I'm such a social cripple sometimes and so I can't really cope with dealing with other people outside of our school setting. Went to the camp this week and saw everyone, which was lovely, because I've really missed everyone, so truly and terribly, and I don't know, a little bit of me wants to be stupid and not go but I know that I'm going somewhere I may never go again and may never see again and I should be way more excited, but I don't know, I'm just not, not right now. Well, I am excited, but not in the way I should be. I will write people though, so everyone give me their addresses. You can screen your comments, whatever, but I really want to use all my stationery. I say that as if I really have stationery. Can we do things next week? I don't know, I feel kind of lonely. I think it's mostly because my sister came home and now she's leaving and she's going to Texas to see her boyfriend, and there's so much of me that is so angry at him because she talks about how she just wants to see him and there's nothing for her at home and how she's just waiting for this week to end. And I just wanted to spend so much time with her at home and agh it's run out. I don't know. Just feel kind of oddly disinterested.
Current Location:
My sister's laptop
Nuna humoro:
bored oddly disinterested
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Guilt
What is yours?
Explain yourself
Culinary: Pretzel Goldfish. S-A-L-T.
Literary: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. ALL THREE, BITCHES. Let's just say that if I were lying I would tell you that no, I didn't cry in the second book after Kostos revealed that he was getting married.
Audiovisual: Back to the Future, I, II and III. "You keep saying 'heavy' is there something wrong with the earth's gravitational poles in the future?" No I did not just wikipedia that line. I knew it cold from the top of my head. I can also spot the exact film in which antithetic parallelism plays a small role. (II)
Musical: Come Sail Away, Styx I don't need to explain myself. I think you understand that when I look to the sky and see angels, I'm really seeing aliens.
Celebrity: Billy Crystal As in crush.


Now I tag:-
honeynutchexmix ivorytusks
Current Location:
HOME.
Nuna humoro:
accomplished accomplished
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Unbelievable. 
The year is almost over. At least for us, and I can't accept this; I can't yet wrap my head around this. I feel like I'm trying to grab the edges of my life and pull it back into place, gosh it's moving too fast. 
There were things, I think that I wanted to do, and I suppose that explains my general stupor of melancholy. It's just that I thought I had time you see, I thought I had time to complete things, but maybe in the end of these things, I didn't really. 
It's just that, well this was a good year, for me, at least. Well, no, maybe...well, it was a better year, a kind of good that I haven't really had in a while. I am mostly proud when I look back at the things that happened this year, mostly proud at the fact of what I did, and so I guess in that respect, I'm mad at myself, because I lost that edge that I had during the year, that keenness that I took to studying. 
But am I supposed to take it easy now? Is that what this is about? I feel guilty, lazy, when I do. I don't think I'm working hard enough. 
I think I'm thinking too much
I know i'm thinking too much, but that's the way I am, the way I think I'll always be, all lazy limbs and bouncing brain that jumps up and down like some freakishly active dog saying 
whatnowwhatnowwhatnowwhatnowwhatnow
But that's the thing, loves, I don't know what comes next. I never really know what comes next. 
We're not supposed to, I know, we're not supposed to know but I have to figure it out because if I don't I'm never going to be able to sleep; I'll always be waiting for things to happen and waiting to piece everything of my past together to make some large, crooked arrow, an estimation of a future that points to a very unknown destination that scares me. 
But I'm not supposed to. 
I get this. 
I just don't practice it, is all. 

Been reading The Virgin Suicides . That book is beauty. It's made of all the most beautiful molecules and printed on all the most beautiful paper and written with all the most beautiful words. 
If there are all these books, if there all these books which scratch at the soul, how does anyone in the world expect us to not fall in love with fiction? 
I say nay. I will none of it, is what. 

Don't tell me my love is a lie when it can speak so loudly, and with such terribly aching sounds. 

"We realized that the version of the world they rendered for us was not the world they really believed in..."
Current Location:
Cornfields of course
Nuna humoro:
awake wondering
Nuna muziko:
Days that Are Over -Sondre Lerche
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watched some battlestar today.

was more annoyed earlier, but now very diffused by the fact that the variety show is coming up and i'm banging my head against the wall with this skit. it's so terribly bad that i don't know what to do with it.
in any case.
i was freakin' pissed as hell that the "black market" episode had to occur. just awful. what is this new, "we need flashbacks every episode" policy? was this some sort of contractual obligation? explanations please. and you can't begin every episode in the middle and then work backwards, i'm sorry.
essentially i just miss the integrity of the first two seasons, although to be fair, scar? amazing episode. mostly because it = starbuck, and that was good. and that scene where she's facing the raider and she's just wide eyed and facing death unflinchingly? too much.
i am mostly sad though because it's no longer starbuck/apollo. like it just doesn't make as much passionate sense anymore and i don't want to admit to that. i just want it to be simply necessary like it was before, and now they both have some other sort of person and why won't it stop?
why are they doing this? and duallla/lee? not necessary.
just stop fucking with apollo, essentially is what i'm saying. 
although, i was EXTREMELY happy with adama/roslin action going on. so sweet.
but then that was countered by the fact that they CURED HER CANCER WITH CYLON FETUS BLOOD. what the fuck. seriously people. 
seriously.

anyway. i have to get back to my skit-writing and then history and then canada.
so tired of parents right now.
after the choir performance i told them how i saw them in the audience and they didn't smile AT ALL. not at one point. mind you, we did thirteen different songs. THIRTEEN. not a single smile, not a single moment of enjoyment.
afterwards when i brought this up, they said simply: "we just didn't like parts of it" which most closely means: "we didn't like it. why do you want us to waste our time like this?" and then my dad told me that i should wear makeup to events like that.
which admittedly, i shouldn't have translated literally in my head, but what did he want me to say? yes? sure? i know i look ugly without it?
i mean, it's like they say things, receive a response and then get annoyed because i reacted. what kind of reaction are they looking for?
it's just that i try to be better, try to be good at things, and it just doesn't happen. they just don't believe that i'm trying.
i just want to curl up a little and pretend that it's okay to be mediocre, something which i know i'll never be able to accept.
i should be more appreciative, but i just can't. i want them to believe that i do all of it to make them proud. that i do all of it because i can't stand the thought of letting them down.
and i always get it wrong
.
Nuna humoro:
blank Something like a sigh
Nuna muziko:
Cry Cry-Mazzy Star
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Who knows how to make love stay?
1. Tell love you are going to Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheese-cake, and if love stays, it can have half. It will stay.
2. Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.
3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning.
- Tom Robbins

I wish I could express this in real words. Words that aren't borrowed, or stolen or dreamt up, or ephemeral, but words that stand and speak and are heard simply because they are meaningful, and not because they ask. 
I want to express things because they are necessary, because they are worth expressing, not because they sound good when beat upon my ears. 
There is a comprehension I am lacking, a cohesive element to most thought. 
Forgive me, everyone, for writing these things; I mean to tell you all that I just want to make something beautiful. 
I suppose I will have to settle for secret.
 

maybe, in the end, it would be better to do something good.
maybe, after all of this, that would be the most beautiful. 

that would be all right. 
even wonderful.
Nuna humoro:
satisfied different
Nuna muziko:
humming
* * *

my relatives are gone. 
which i shouldn't really be happy about, but i'm kind of bitchy. it's not really my cousins or my uncle; i love them, and my uncle voltaire is so incredibly, quizzically nice to me (he's the only one i let call me mandy), but my uncle adolf; he's just this walking train wreck that thinks he's so amazing and great and then later tries to justify himself by saying that it's all an act. i mean, he's leeched off my mother all his life and she's just sucked dry from all the energy and time he saps, and yet she still takes care of him. i don't know; everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves, but he's had so many; he's been given so many opportunities to suck it up and be a better person but he never seems to get there, in fact, he never even seems to try. 
but i can't really begrudge him that; it's not my place to judge, it's just that i don't know, he comes into my life and moves things around, shifts things and yells and is too loud and overbearing and smokes and laughs to a dizzying degree that i don't know how it's possible to even think. 
on saturday, we all went to chinatown, and then wasted the day in new jersey, stuck in traffic, with adolf touring us around like new jersey isn't some landfill. it is. during the whole trip, i was armed with only a pen, business cards and then (when i ran out of business cards) gum wrappers. i have a log of my thoughts, and this one, written in a last desperate attempt, stands out:

I AM SENDING PULSES OF HELP; WRITING ON SCRAPS OF PAPER AND HOPING. 
HELP.
HELP. 
HELP. 

I just don't know how or why I was so upset, I just know that I was and that it really doesn't make sense. In chinatown, i was the only one who simply wasn't talking, sitting in the middle of a round table of jovial faces glad to be sewn back together, glad to be back, and i was the only one not laughing; the plain, shabby, face holding a cup of tea and waiting for her fingerprints to burn off so there would be no identity, and therefore no filial connection. 
i am a terrible person

.................................................

yesterday was tuesday, and i took the ap which just made my hand ache like it's never ached before and afterwards, i just sat back and watched all of season 2 battlestar galactica; the show is amazing and i can't stop wishing that i was boomer because she is beautiful and means to do and be so many compassionate things even though she's a machine. 
aghhh. 
and starbuck/apollo? jaysus, in home part one when they kissed and it was at first like, aghhhhh they're just gonna pretend that was friendly and then suddenly starbuck is like, nice to see you too cap'n and i just fucking died in my body. that's right. died in my body.  i kind of can't take them anymore, because they're so amazing; and we're freakin' alllllllll ovvvvveeerrrr each other in the shooting range, right before they almost died in flight of the phoenix, which by the way had so many starbuck/apollo moments that i just couldn't bear to watch it at times. oh and in home when she comes back and they have that moment in that weird gate area where apollo takes away starbuck's ball and she gets actively upset and then he doesn't understand why and then is all i love you and if you ever need to talk and then she mocks him about loving her and i'm just like fuck i can't take the both of you. and they just make me all giddy smile that i have to contain; i haven't been like this since simon/kaylee, but fuck this is soooo much more dramatic that i just can't. can't. find words. oh and  the part when starbuck is testing out the blackbird and then suddenly she's gone and apollo gets so sad/scared because he thinks that she's dead, for real this time and then he just groans kara?....are you okay? and finally she comes back and turns her helmet on and i'm all starbuck you sexy motherfucker. 
don't toy with his head. 
but of course, she does, even though she's fucking thisclose to being in love with that other guy back on caprica the pyramid player guy. whatever. annoying is what. 
i just can't take how beautiful all of this show has become and how complex the whole cylon thing is; the fact that i truly, genuinely believe that the cylon "synthetic human beings" are not actually all that bad; and quite scarily capable of love...if a show can make believe that robots are caring, well goddamn. is what i say. 
and then pegasus?!!! may i just say, wtf? why is this show so full of unbelievable plot twists? 
why are you all so amazing?!?!?!?!?
ahhh that was such a gripping episode from the fact that they, a) found another battlestar, b) found a captain who is grade-A guano insane and c) boomer almost gets raped. 
by the by, that scene was INTENSE. motherfucking intense, and i nearly cried for boomer when helo and chief came in and were beating the shit out of those guys and then she just pulled that blanket over herself to hide from the shame of the situation......aghhh and the fact that chief still loves her? too much. just too damn much. 
and i have to say; gaius' confession to the no. 6 copy? that was so sad and kind of really sweet in a way because he has never actually told her that he loved her and the only way he could do it was when he saw how hurt she had become, and with her not actually being in the room. 
....let's see....anything else?....
oh, fuck yes! GAETA IS THE MAN. like, THE MAN. i mean, his whole confessional sequence in "final cut"? amazing. just pure amazing. 
D'Anna Biers:
So what did you find out?
Gaeta: That I hate cigarettes. That ambrosia is good with a chaser. And that, with a little ambrosia REVEALS HIS PARTICULARLY AWESOME TATTOO they don't hurt as much as you'd think.

I REPEAT. THE MAN. and he finally had a breakdown moment when he just shouted at colonel tigh (it's not an excuse, it's a frakkin'  fact, sir!) and i was like, testify gaeta. tes-ti-fy. 

jaysus. 
just jaysus. 
i think i need to quit battlestar for a while because it makes me want to be a viper pilot too much. it's becoming a problem. like i just think about how much i want to be boomer, and starbuck and to be in a starbuck/apollo relationship and then i want to cry because i can't comprehend the fact that this isn't real and no, i can't have any of these things ever and i can't be any of these people. 
i just think i want to be to many things that are too impossibly far from who i am, and who i could even potentially be. 
i think what makese me sadder than anything else is that even if i were to be anyone on the show, i would most likely be callie. who sucks. major ass. 
and that bothers me. to a very, very extreme degree. 
ahhhhhhhghhhgkifhaowrjwqleojasocjsiewq i want to be boomer/starbuck combination. i think i want to be more starbuck though. just because she's cooler.

so finally, i have more questions: 
a) where is boomer's baby? because they did say she had one, and shouldn't she be mothering it or something? i mean, it's not like there are wet-nurses in the fleet....unless there are, i really wouldn't know. 
b) i know i had the rant about gaeta, but i was just making sure that his tattoo was of a tiger; because it looked like a tiger but it's head had this kind of lemur shape that confused me. so i paused it, but it didn't really work. clarification would be nice.
c) does the no. 6 copy know who gaius is? because boomer remembered who chief was, even though it wasn't her and all, and in the clips it showed no. 6 choking gaius so i was just wondering if she knows who he is, or if she's suffered too much psychological trauma.
d) where, and how can i download the rest of season 2? because i really, really need to, and i don't really have a downloading program. someone. please help an addict. be an enabler today. seriously, the show has sooo many cool things happening; like boomer's baby, and starbuck/apollo transfer to pegasus, and galactica mutiny and roslin dying really soon and no. 6 copy, and helo/chief being executed..........aghh that fact made me die.

sorry for those of you who don't like battletar. i just love it too much to not rant.


Nuna humoro:
chipper Rewarded
* * *
why does guilt pile up like pages of books i haven't read?
i won't go to australia like this. i refuse to be that daughter.
Nuna humoro:
guilty guilty
Nuna muziko:
waiting.
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